Brace yourselves, fellow video game enthusiasts, geeks and esports followers. Summer is coming. The time when friends and family force us from the safety of our favorite space to the great, non-digital world outside, tempting us with nonsense like "You can't sit in here all day, look at the weather outside." Watch me.
I won't pretend you don't know how to participate in outdoor activities, and I definitely don't want to enforce the gamers-are-basement-dwellers stereotype. But the fact of the matter is that I will prioritize #videogames over outside play more often than not, even if the weather is great. If no one's pressuring me to do anything else, that is. And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.
Forget Summer: 8 Best Excuses For Staying Indoors & Playing Games
Being moments away from reaching a defining milestone in a game that's important to you is a perfectly fine excuse in the eyes of fellow gamers, but friends and family might not be able to really comprehend the importance of such a feat. They will judge you, and it'll make you feel bad.
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So in order for you to avoid awkward situations when your non-gamer friends and family ask if you want to go outside, but you'd rather not as Nier: Automata is simply too good, here's 8 universal excuses for staying indoors playing video games on hot summer days.
WARNING: These tips might seem innocent, but they involve mild lying and general deceit, which might piss somebody off. Use them at your own peril. Discretion is advised.
Excuse #1: Your Hay Fever Is Going Absolutely Crazy
Anyone who actually suffers from hay fever have at least used this excuse to avoid attending boring family stuff once in their life. "Fortunately" the human race's overuse of all kinds of strange chemicals seems to make everyone allergic to something these days. So no one will ever second guess if you've suddenly developed hay fever.
It's the perfect excuse—going outside will literally be bad for your health! Trust me, as a lifelong grass hater, this excuse is almost bulletproof.
- Chance of successful deception: 95 percent
- Impact on future social life: 2 out of 5
Excuse #2: You Developed Aquaphobia, Agoraphobia Or Another Phobia
Today, everyone and their grandmother seems to have some kind of phobia—there's a lot to freak out about—so this is the perfect time to develop one of your own. Aquaphobia, the fear of water, will make sure no one ever invites you to the beach, while agoraphobia, the fear of crowds, will keep your friends from asking you to go to crowded city parks and outdoor events.
This excuse is more believable if you have a personality that seems prone to phobias (God love you). However, be mindful of the fact that this might cause friends and family to not ask you out when you actually want to go out, thus isolating you from the outside world for, like ever. More time for Zelda, eh?
- Chance of successful deception: 43 percent
- Impact on future social life: 4 out of 5
Excuse #3: You Feel Like X Person Doesn't Like You And It Brings You Down
With this excuse you'll be utilizing your own, difficult emotions as a person-blocker, claiming that someone attending whatever event you've been invited to doesn't like you. Even if this isn't true, people will most likely just think you're soft-hearted and misunderstood.
However, this excuse can develop into a complex social mess if you're not careful. Be mindful of who person X is, and perhaps let this guy or girl in on the truth behind the excuse.
- Chance of successful deception: 62 percent
- Impact on future social life: 1-5 out of 5
Excuse #4: You Have To Take Care Of Your New Cat, Dog Or Whatever Pet You Got
This excuse is only useful if you actually have some kind of pet. You can try to pull it off without an animal in your home, but it will be more complicated as you'll later have to explain how your imaginary pet died and how difficult of a time it was for you.
With that said, this is a great excuse. No one wants to be the person forcing you to leave a puppy or kitten to suffer alone in your home, and everyone can understand the urgency of teaching your new pet not to crap all over your apartment.
- Chance of successful deception: 55 percent
- Impact on future social life: 1 out of 5 if you actually have a pet, 4 out of 5 if you don't.
Excuse #5: You Have A Headache And Bright Lights Are The Last Thing You Need
Everyone has headaches and everyone can relate to how they consistently have the ability to rip apart the quality of your life... momentarily. On top of this, one of the things that can really turn the power of a headache up to 11 are bright lights. And do you know what there is a lot of outside on a hot sunny day? You f***ing guessed it!
Don't tell anyone you'll be spending the day in front of your TV or computer screen though, as they emit some pretty bright, headache-inducing lights themselves—and it goes against the whole excuse thing. Tell them you'll spend the day in your dank room with a cool, moist cloth on your forehead.
- Chance of successful deception: 80 percent
- Impact on future social life: 1 out of 5
Excuse #6: You Need The Day For Your Work/Paper/Job Application/Short Story
This is the obligatory "work's in the way" excuse. If you're a person with a job, you tell your closest that you have to spend the day working. If you're studying, you'll tell them an important paper is due for the next day. If you're jobless and on welfare, you'll tell them you need to finish up this job application. And if you're some kind of artist, tell them you're feeling inspired by the weather and want to put it down in this song, poem or painting.
Make sure to prepare for questions about how your productive and serious day worked out.
- Chance of successful deception: 73 percent
- Impact on future social life: 2 out of 5
Excuse #7: Your Skin Is Very Sensitive Right Now
Another excuse linked to the fact that humans are too much in contact with weird chemicals! Here, you'll simply be explaining to your friends that you might have used too much detergent powder the last time you washed your bed sheets, and your skin is now pink and itchy.
The last thing it needs is to be exposed to direct sunlight. You feel like a vampire and have to spend the day in the dark, washing out all the allergenic chemicals in your bed sheets and clothes.
- Chance of successful deception: 41 percent
- Impact on future social life: 3 out of 5 (you'll have to live the rest of your life pretending to be allergic to detergents)
Excuse #8: Your Social Anxiety Is Acting Up
Let's be real here. As a gamer, geek and being generally enthusiastic about stuff many consider nerdy, I'm not the biggest fan of people. Perhaps you feel the same way. I'm not sure if this disdain is well-reasoned, but the fact of the matter is that social anxiety is a very real and common thing—for non-gamers too!
You can of course have this form of anxiety in different degrees. But in any case, it can be used as a very effective method for limiting your company to video game characters on sunny summer days. Just tell everyone you can't really deal with people today, and they will most likely understand.
- Chance of successful deception: 84 percent
- Impact on future social life: 5 out of 5 (people now think you have a hard time dealing with people)
What's your go-to excuse when it comes to make sure you can stay at home and play video games all day long?