Throughout the video game industry's long and storied history, there have been a shed-load of dodgy movie tie-ins released onto the market. Some of them are thrown together in a jiffy to meet a movie's release date, and some of them are rip-offs so shameless they barely bear any resemblance to the license they couldn't secure. We're interested in the latter.
Like... why was there an unofficial Windows 98 game released for the NES? And why does Titanic's Rose wield an axe in her video game outing, Titenic? Questions, man!
6 Unofficial Games That Make Absolutely Zero Sense
First up is possibly my most favorite game on this here list. Whoever in their right mind believed that mashing together a generation-spanning tale of romance on a doomed luxury liner with a side-scrolling beat 'em up was a good idea? Whoever they were, thank you Lords of Titenic, as I shall call them from now on.
Titenic -- which could either be a glaring typo or the devs trying not to be sued to kingdom come by James Cameron and co -- puts you in the waterlogged boots of a mysteriously muscular Jack Dawson as he kicks ass along the repetitive interior of the RMS Titanic. Or, even more incongruously, an axe-wielding Rose DeWitt Bukater which is exactly what you'd expect from a teenage socialite.
Everything in this game is out to get you. If it isn't the abnormally massive rats, it's the kitchen staff...
Look at how swole Jack is!
Rose really dislikes calamari
And the game's expositional tableaux are worth the pain alone...
Windows 98 (NES)
You know what I always thought the NES was missing? Windows 98. What, didn't you?! But now it's as if some genie has answered my digital prayers. If you're bored of digging holes in Super Mario Bros. 2 then feel free to navigate the "internet" and look at images of Pikachu with the NES' rather ungainly controller in this bootleg version of Windows 98 for Nintendo's little box of joy! Eat that, Dreamcast.
THE FEELS! THE MEMORIES!
Never in my life have I seen Internet Explorer boot so fast...
No bootleg would be complete without a Pika.bmp...
Super 3D Noah's Ark (SNES)
So what would you expect to get when you cross Wolfenstein 3D, a game about shooting faux-Nazis in the face from close range, with that age old biblical tale of Noah and his fantastically sized water vessel? Why, this monstrosity of course! Super 3D Noah's Ark is one of the most thinly veiled ripoffs I've ever seen, and it's even more beautiful for it.
The story goes that Wisdom Tree, developers of some very biblical video games, bought id Software's engine in order to tell a tale about Noah's Ark's animals going rogue and getting all pissy... because of the long-ass-journey, I suppose? The bosses include an elephant and a camel, named Ernie and Carl respectively. And in order to keep your herd in check, you shoot them in the face with a slingshot. Take that, nature!
Sometimes you gotta slingshot a motherf***er to earn respect
Seriously though... isn't this bordering on animal abuse?
Woah now, what the heck is this cruel contraption?!
Harry's Legend (NES)
Via Jeremy M.
Aah do you remember the good old days of taking to a world of wizarding with Harry Potter on the NES? No, neither do I because there's roughly about 12/13 years in between the release of Nintendo's first console and Harry Potter's explosive entrance into all of our lives (for better or for worse). So... huh?
In this rather loose interpretation of '...and The Philosopher's Stone', Harry learns he is wizard and, after the shock and the dust settles on that realization, he basically heads off to kick seven shades of s**t out of anything and everything that stands in his way! Sounds totally legit, right? Lol J.K..
Umm... I don't remember the Dursley's house being filled with bats 'n' rats...
Wait! I feel like I've seen this stage somewhere before...
Is Harry's Legend just a ripoff of Titenic?!
Hong Kong 97 (NES)
Over the last few years we've sat through some seriously strange decision making on the behalf of Hollywood. Movies about Emoji's and Tetris being greenlit being two wonderful examples. But who would have thought the video games industry needed a video game based on the UK handing Hong Kong back over to China?
Yes, Hong Kong 97 is the fever dream of one or some very frightened individual(s) that believed HK would fall into chaos once sovereignty switched. But thankfully that didn't come to pass, meaning we got to miss out on Bruce Lee's cousin Chin kicking communist ass.
But... that's not actually Bruce Lee's cousin Chin...
I mean, THAT'S Bruce Lee on the left...
And I totally was not expecting a Space Invaders clone from this premise!
The King of Kings: The Early Years (NES)
No this isn't the beginnings of a biblical sitcom featuring the son of God getting to grips with his divine powers and accidentally getting his friends drunk on water. This is an educational game that recounts a fable of a young Jesus and the capers he got up to as a baby. Much to our amusement, the game included one rather bigoted camel.
Taking place over three stages, you'll play as the Three Wise Men, Joseph, Mary, a donkey but not Jesus... for some reason.
Here's a camel spitting at an innocent lizard...
Get your bible on with some of the game's fun quizzes...
I don't remember the King James Version of the Bible having floating platforms with moving gaps in it...
And that's a wrap for this post! I, for one, cannot wait to get my hands on Titenic. Read that as you will...