I've seen a lot of weird stuff in my life. A lot of weird video game stuff, to boot. Don't even get me started on the nonsensical, horrendously mind-numbing monstrosity that is Animal Soccer World. Until now, I never thought I'd lay my eyes upon something more strangely unsettling and WTF-worthy than that animated "game" that looks like it was made for a grand total of $5, but I may have been proven wrong.
It seems a large number of oddly similarly named YouTube channels have been releasing "videos for kids." Now, this is all well and good (there's all sorts of family-friendly videos made for kids on the interwebs), but it's the tool used to make these videos that raises them to a class of their own—none other than the sex, drugs, violence, and expletive-filled #GrandTheftAuto5! A wonderful influence for your impressionable children, yes? And the videos themselves make about as much sense as Animal Soccer World, which is... well, quite the claim, to be honest.
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Kid Friendly, Mother Approved Videos Made Using Grand Theft Auto 5 Entrance Children Everywhere
Have you ever heard of the YouTube channel Cartoons Cars Songs for Kids? No doubt not, as if you're reading this you haven't purged your mind with a 55 gallon tub of bleach. There are many channels like it. Just check the "related channels" column:
All of these similarly named channels focus on one thing and one thing only: mildly disturbing videos "for kids" starring #Spiderman and #LightningMcQueen made using Grand Theft Auto 5's director's mode. Did you know this genre was so popular? Neither did I. But apparently, they're the next big thing, considering all of their videos have hundreds of thousands if not millions of views.
Clearly, there's a whole underground world of videos we've not been privy to. Wanting to see for myself what all the commotion is about, I, of course, dive into the first video I see—a golden nugget entitled Spiderman saves McQueen & Dinoco from Joker! Cars Cartoon for Kids Nursery Rhymes Songs for Children (try saying that five times fast!). With over a million views, it has to be good, right?
Spiderman saves McQueen & Dinoco from Joker! Cars Cartoon for Kids Nursery Rhymes Songs for Children
I'm not really sure how to describe what I see on the screen. Confusion? Hair-prickling unease? Profound horror? But no, it's a feeling I can't even describe using English vocabulary. It's a deep-rooted, engrained feeling of hopelessness for all of mankind.
The video has only four starring roles—Lightning McQueen, Dinoco (Lightning McQueen with a coat of Dinoco paint), Spiderman, and #TheJoker. In fact, these are the four characters in almost every single video.
The entire premise of the video (or "story," if you could even call it that) revolves around Lightning and Dinoco frolicking joyfully in the middle of a stadium before being rudely interrupted by the Joker in a bulldozer. The two four-wheeled idiots then proceed to sit there doing nothing as the Joker runs them over again and again... and again and again. You know, despite being race cars that could just drive away.
Along comes Spiderman to save the day. But no, Spidey's not gonna whip some Joker-ass. The Joker's already gone by the time Spidey shows up! All Spidey does is call for a tow truck, then follow them back to the auto shop to help fix the cars (because we all know that Spidey is an excellent mechanic).
Once Dinoco is fixed and back on his feet, erm, wheels, he proceeds to take a joy ride around town, speeding, running through red lights, driving through grass, and basically showing young children how you should never drive. And this is supposed to be for kids?! I'm surprised he didn't plow into anyone, to be honest.
His joy ride finished, we're immediately transported to the beach for a beautiful sunset with our heroes Spiderman, Lightning, Dinoco, and... the Joker?! Why is he here? Standing next to Spidey like they're the best of friends even! Didn't he just run over Lightning and Dinoco with a bulldozer?! No explanation is given for this unsettling turn of events. In fact, things are about to get much worse.
Without warning, the Joker suddenly walks forward into the water, presumably killing himself. UM?! Pretty sure no parent would want their child watching that! Even I found myself disturbed by the scene with its lack of dialogue, heart-trembling music, and unnerving sense of complete and utter hopelessness. HOW IS THIS A VIDEO FOR CHILDREN?!
WTF is Up With These Videos?
And that's just one example. Pretty much every one of these videos is just as strange and provides zero answers for its head-cocking absurdity. One video involves a T-Rex suddenly showing up on a beach, then Homer from the Simpsons chasing it around in a tank. Another video ends with Spidey driving Lightning McQueen off a cliff! They're just very... very...
They all use the same ridiculous children's songs in the background (imagine watching Spiderman wipe down Lightning McQueen to the tune of "Skip to My Loo"), and each one is just as unexplainable as the last, completely lacking story, development, dialogue, or sanity.
And there's so MANY of them! The Cartoons Cars Songs for Kids channel has almost sixty videos all on its own, and that's just one of dozens of channels filled with this crap! Equally as suspicious are the massive amounts of views on every video, as well as the countless pages of illegible comments.
Peppered amongst those nonsense comments, however, are comments of praise from other channels with the same types of videos.
I don't know about you, but this reeks of some sort of scam. I mean, seriously! I can't think of one kid who would enjoy these videos (or that should be watching them considering some of the content), let alone two or three million!
What can we learn from all of this?
I have absolutely no idea. While watching these videos, I can actually feel my IQ rapidly dropping to unfathomable levels, and it's very well possible that watching too many will rob you of your soul and sanity.
That being said, they're good for a (mostly WTF-induced) laugh. After all, how often do you get to see Spiderman pulling off moves like this?
Watch one of the full videos from this headache-inducing series of "kids' videos" below: