Posted by Marlon McDonald @epsotron
Umm... are you going to drink that Skooma?
Marlon McDonald

Hey so I've been away a wee while and have just returned to a world with... what is this... *squints at screen* three PS4s available for purchase? Well three until the PS4 Slim does away with an OG* PS4 that didn't really need canning in the first place.

But irrespective of that, whether we want it or not Sony is gearing up for the launch of its PS4 Pro, a console that apparently no-one is ready for seeing as we can't afford nor need 4K-ready televisions right now. Though 'House of Cards' would look great in the fourth K.

Go, Pro!

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The Pro, which stands for Professional by the way, is Sony's thinly veiled attempt at clapping back at the PC for its decade spanning dominance over gaming and being able to handle framerates over 60FPS with relative ease. Amongst other things Sony is adamant we care about.

But why would Sony release a console that isn't particularly customizable to take on PC... which is infinitely customizable? What else does the console do apart from upscale graphics to make Adidas' latest footballs look extra shiny *jazz hands* in PES 2017, or Nathan Drake's face look extra non-plussed when he's mowing down reams of people?

Also... how bloody ugly is the thing? Man, I think Microsoft can finally put one of those ticks they're so fond of using in their tweets next to the category titled "Won Q4 2016 In Unnecessary Video Game Console Aesthetics ☑".

Thumbs On The Pulse

I'm not alone in my disdain, naturally, as the internet piped up with a mixed chorus of pipes:

But the internet did miss out on a few things the PS4 Pro also looks like. Give me a couple more of your moments and I shall address these glaring omissions:

A Fallen Over Toaster

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Not only does this beauty make your games look nicer, it also butters your grilled bread for you too! Saving you an extra ten seconds every morning! Cheers, love!

A Tasty Birthday Cake

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Uh-oh, watch out, kids! You'd better not cut into the wrong PS4 Pro on your very special day!

A Handy Razor

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Experience the closest of shaves with the PS4 Pro! It upscales your face and neck as you slice away at unwanted hairs, making you appear more attractive at a distance to potential suitors! Nice!

All jokes aside though, the PS4 has been out for a little over 3 years. No-one I know has a 4K home cinema set-up, nor do they have a broadband connection that's good enough to warrant 4K video streaming. So... who is this console for exactly and couldn't Sony have pumped more money into... I dunno, helping getting The Last Guardian finished quicker?

Are you getting a PS4 Pro?

*Actually... would it be PS4 OG or PS4 n00b?