My name is Jupiter,and I run a successful dating agency that will match you up with your soulmate!
I have helped countless couples find their attraction, resulting in marriages, children, and best of all, long term happiness! How have I been able to achieve all of this? Well, by guiding you through dates I have helped to set up, of course! With my tutelage, you can find love! And if not, don’t forget the fees are non-refundable and the dates are your fiscal responsibility!
There is one person who I confess has been in my lobby for a while. His name is Shay — I have set Shay up previously, with a fantastic budding relationship, but he turned back up in my office after a messy break up. Remember! Whatever happens after the dates, I am not liable.
Anyway, after looking over Shay’s likes, hobbies, and preferences, I was able to cross reference what he liked with the people looking for dates!
I picked the perfect match; Miley, an attractive red head — the most attractive hair color, according to Shay. Before the date, I touched up Shay’s hair to match Miley’s attraction, and sent them off to "Mother’s Tucker Restaurant," the best place for American cuisine.
Halfway through the mediocre date, Miley did something unexpected and dyed her hair black! Shay was not a fan of this sudden change. He stopped listening via the earpiece I gave him and went rogue! He proceeded to insult his date, ending the whole endeavor on a sour note. Miley felt that they were no longer a good match, and Shay came back to my office looking for another date the next day.
Thus, I set Shay up with Audrey, a geeky girl with practically identical interests. I figured they might hit it off conversing about their hobbies.
While they had a lot in common, Shay didn’t actually say anything interesting for the whole date, nor did he mention his hobbies as I suggested. When it came to topics they disagreed on, I suggested Shay fluff the truth — not lie exactly, but not be so harsh. Shay was even terrible at this, making his date extremely suspicious!
Instead, he yammered on about his job as a refuse collector and mentioned the lovely weather outside. These are poor conversational topics — therefore I advised him to tell a personal story. Shay, strong headed Shay, refused to listen.
Now, after being rejected twice (and having a previous, failed relationship), Shay was starting to have some doubts. Honestly, at this point, I was as well.
I have had a client get dumped twice in a row, but Shay simply wouldn’t take my advice or listen to any cues. I contemplated kicking him out, but figured that one more try would be exactly what Shay needed. I insisted on going all out — a full makeover specifically for the person I matched Shay with. To my surprise, he agreed, and we began his transformation!
Once Shay was all spruced up, looking, (according to Hayley) very attractive, I suggested Shay pick a different restaurant. Shay loves American food, but I was able to persuade him to try some British cuisine at "The King’s Helmet." This new environment was sure to help! New food, new place, new outlook on love!
After excellent food, some slightly rocky but otherwise good conversation, and several compliments on Shay’s new appearance, everything was going swimmingly!
Hayley wasn’t too happy about Shay’s choice of food. He claimed his selection would have been better, had he known the menu as well as his favorite American restaurant. Nevertheless, she was quite content with the conversation, at least until...
Shay tried to make a move! Right after dinner, on the first date! Shay tried to ask Hayley to commit! Trust me, I already advised on at least one more date before committing.
Shay had replied I was just looking for more tip money — boy was he mistaken. This final act, a quick sentence sputtered out of Shay’s mouth, sealed his fate. Hayley rebuked that he was coming on too strong, dumping him on the spot.
Shay. Poor Shay, loveless and dumped three times sequentially. If only Shay had listened to my advice — everyone knows I am the master at finding true love! (And I have plenty of thank you letters from satisfied customers to prove it!).
Do not listen to that crazy Shay’s slander, he is just the refuse they refuse to collect. He’s entirely undateable.
This silly little story was created inside the game Kitty Powers' Matchmaker which can be found here. This dating game allows you to make matches, guide dates, and help people fall in love. It transforms dating into a game show where you are the host! Many of the outcomes are quite funny, so if you’re into playing matchmaker, check this game out.