The internet's a horny place, we all know that. Porn makes up approximately 110% of search results and there's more porn versions of YouTube than there are actual competitors to YouTube. #VideoGames aren't much better, if we're not throwing Christmas sweaters on sex games to get them past the censors we're apparently committing space sodomy.
Sometimes, after a rousing session of collecting sexual conquests like #Hearthstone cards in The Witcher 3, you need to meet your partner in their sadly console-free love nest. Apparently, your screaming about how Bastion needs to be nerfed was killing the mood. But fear not! There's some sex games you can take on the go! And boy are they uh... interesting.
I Tried Out The Top Sex Games On Google Play's Mobile Store So You Don't Have To
First up, we have Couple Foreplay Sex Game, which frankly, could use a bit of punching up on the title. This game is a challenge game that gives sexual suggestions to you and your partner, along with a weirdly stressful time limit bar that sets a minimum and maximum time. Because if I'm trying to get hot and heavy with my partner, I want to watch a ticking bar telling me how much time I have left.
Speaking of your partner, Couple Foreplay Sex Game lets you customize certain facets of the experience; you can pick how many rounds you want to complete and more importantly, put whatever you want in for your names.
The game will then randomly generate a sexual act for the both of you, which you can choose to perform or skip (which generates a new one). Thanks to my choice of names, things got somewhat existential.
My rating? An eight out of ten, it forced me to confront the darker nature within man's heart and the purpose behind life in a universe bereft of God. It lost two points for suggesting we do foot-on-foot stuff which is just not my speed.
You Lick My Back And I'll Lick Yours
Next up we have Sex Dice, which is basically those dice that middle-aged couples buy from 'novelty stores' to spice up their love life, only on your phone so you won't accidentally step on them and ruin the mood. This program appears to have been designed by the vengeful spirit of Geocities circa 1998 and makes my fairly new Samsung Galaxy S5 perform like an S7 that's just exploded.
With just a press of a button you can roll the dice and be given a series of three deeply erotic suggestions. Perfect for those long, cold nights of winter when you've apparently forgotten how to have sex.
I rate this one a six out of ten, my ass is now covered in savage bite marks, but on the plus side, working standing up has really increased my core strength and the mysterious radiation gave everyone superpowers.
Sex Roulette, Sex Quizzes, Terrible Secrets And The Greatest Horror Known To Man
Things really start to go downhill from here. The next result is Sex Roulette, which consists of a Roulette wheel that you spin, which tells you to do things you should probably already be doing in bed. It doesn't even offer a suggestion as to what the 'sex position' might be. Sex Roulette gets a six out of nine.
Mystery is the heart of a good romance, and Sex on the ? certainly understands that. The name is an alluring conundrum; where will the sex be? Will it take place on this earthly plane? Who knows, I certainly don't, because Sex on the ? is so mysterious that it won't even open. I refuse to give Sex on the ? a number out of ten, you'll just have to guess what it is.
Now that we've traveled through the gauntlet of sexual stimulation and emerged older and wiser, it's time to put our sexual knowledge to the test in Adult Sex Test. This test offers a completely non-randomized selection of questions about sex that will finally put your degree in sexology to use. I got 100%, mostly because someone posted all the answers in the review section. Adult Sex Test gets a ten out of ten, just like I did.
We started this article by staring into the void, now we're going to end it by looking into a much darker abyss. Douchebag Beach Club is a glimpse into a nightmarish dimension, a portal opened by dark sorcerers who hate humanity and illustrated by someone who's only had a human being described to them.
Upon opening the game, vermin and cans of Bud Lite began to manifest in my house. I have known no peace since then, no hour awake or asleep without these horrible visions crossing my mind's eye. I give Douchebag Beach Club a horrible squiggly rune out of ten.
Hopefully, this selection of games will keep the spark alive for you, your partner and any other objects you may feel sexual desire for, at least until Mass Effect: Andromeda comes out and we can all abandon the material world for our virtual romances again.
Do you have a favorite sex game on the mobile? Please don't tell me about it, comment about literally anything else instead.