ByAshley Washington, writer at
I don't need anyone else. I have Uroboros!
Ashley Washington

Video game characters can get pretty banged up—it's practically part of the job description. Getting shot in the face or impaled by a sword can be pretty rough but there is usually nothing to worry about with the wealth of spells and healing potions we've got at our fingertips. It all seems perfect until really you start to think about how it all works.

7 Healing Methods Ranked From Most Likely To Help To Most Likely To Kill You

In real life, these damages would be fatal. We complain when our protagonists can't take more than a few bullets when we know we probably wouldn't even be able to take one!

Our high standards aren't unfounded. There is really no finer pleasure than setting off down a corridor with a full clip and health bar. So, let's give thanks to the methods that work and the others that still work but really shouldn't. Here are seven different digital "band-aids" ranked from most probable to ridiculously impossible.

1. Specific Aid Items ('Metal Gear Solid 3')

'Metal Gear Solid 3' [Credit: Konami]
'Metal Gear Solid 3' [Credit: Konami]

Metal Gear Solid 3 boasts one of the most realistic and memorable healing systems in a video game. While it happens to be a bit off in terms of timing, the game pushes you to use the proper healing item for the relevant injury instead of using a one-size-fits-all first aid kit item to nip your problems in the bud.

According to this kid on Youtube, it can be pretty devastating to waste all of your healing items. So, don't be him.

2. First Aid Kit ('Left 4 Dead')

'Left 4 Dead' [Credit: Valve Corporation]
'Left 4 Dead' [Credit: Valve Corporation]

earns points for realism with its first aid kits. While you're not exactly hitting the right spots with all of the aimless bandaging, healing in this game takes time and even featuring the act of wrapping your wounds puts this method miles ahead of the others!

Whether or not a few band aids will fix your loose intestines after a Hunter pulls them out is another issue entirely.

3. Painkillers ('Max Payne')

[Credit: Rockstar Games]
[Credit: Rockstar Games]

Painkillers as healing items in most games really perplexes me in general, but they're a special case in the games. First of all, painkillers aren't going to do anything for your bullet wounds, pal. Unless you're planning to clog the gaping holes with the little things.

Second of all, Max Payne is an alcoholic. Alcohol and painkillers have never gone well together. The amount that Max takes also constitutes an overdose which means that the only healing that'll happen here is death. I guess the bright side is that it'll feel more like a nice nap than a miserably slow lights-out. Good for you, MP.

4. Dirty Needles In The Wastes (Fallout Series)

[Credit: Bethesda Softworks]
[Credit: Bethesda Softworks]

's Stimpaks can be pretty handy—especially when you've got the perks that make them as effective as possible. Sadly, Stimpaks also happen to be completely unsterilized dumpster syringes full of medicine. Would you stick a needle from the toilet into your chest? No? Then why should your vault dweller? Also, good job!

Sanitation issues aside, I think that Stimpaks fall into the painkiller realm for the most part—we've got no idea how they're actually helping the wanderer but I'm pretty sure this is another case of bleed-out-with-a-smile-itis.

Nevertheless, we've got bigger fish to fry!

5. Shot In The Face? Heal Your Arm! ('Far Cry 4')

healing is improbable by property of shear misplaced effort. Getting burned up? Pull a stick out of your hand. Stung by a bunch of bees? Dig a bullet out of your arm. What is happening here and why is your arm the gateway for healing? Why doesn't this guy employ the use of disinfectant?

So many questions with no answers about one of the world's most unconventional healing methods.

6. Lucio Heals Teammates ('Overwatch')

Lucio is a sound warlock that can generate noise that both destroys his enemies and heals up his teammates. He's fast, not-so-silent and quite deadly. Aside from the downright wackiness of his approach, Lucio's abilities aren't exactly the easiest to make use of. You have to be quite good at what you do to get down to business, but I think we all know that this is what makes so fun to begin with.

I wouldn't call this the worst way to heal but I would certainly call it the weirdest. Love ya, Lucio!

7. Ethan Reattaches Limbs With Medicine ('Resident Evil 7')

'Resident Evil 7' [Credit: Capcom]
'Resident Evil 7' [Credit: Capcom]

Medicinal magic peaks the moment that Ethan Winters uses some bizarre fix-it-all water on his leg stub to reconnect his foot to his body in Resident Evil 7. Resident Evil fans are probably quite familiar with this strangeness. To this day, we're still not sure if the Resi clan is eating those green herbs or smoking them. We're also not sure why none of their bite wounds get infected—but we also don't really care.

Regardless of what the characters are doing to stay alive, I think we can all agree that a zombified 420 is more realistic than this fiasco. We've got our theories about why this might be but, nevertheless, the crown has been well-earned by and its magical meds.

Who am I kidding? A kiss for your booboos fix everything, right?!


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