Video games and alcohol are the perfect combination. This has been scientifically, or at least commercially proven. Common opinion maintains that playing a video game while you're drunk is a bad idea. You run the risk of doing a bad job or spilling drinks all over your gear. But the verdict's out on that and it turns out that common opinion is wrong.
Here Is The Ultimate Guide To Gaming While Drunk
So, playing #VideoGames while intoxicated is a good thing! Now we know. But it's not always clear where the drink fits into the equation. Drinking before and after you play a game is fine and dandy but there are some excellent ways to maximize your in-game drinking.
Lucky for you, I've consulted an expert (me) and they've (me) been nice enough to write out everything you need to know to do this thing the right way. A quick disclaimer though—this list of tips functions under the premise that you are drinking with friends. If that's not the case... then I can't help you.
1. DO Drink And Drive
I get that Euro Truck Simulator probably isn't the first game you think of when you're sober, let alone when you're drunk. But its characteristic meditative-brooder vibe is probably just the thing you need when you're rinsing away the events of the week with a bottle of wine.
This is one moment that may lead you to discover that drinking actually makes you a better driver—on the computer and in the safety of your home.
2. DO Start A Band And Get Famous
Rock Band is a game that pleases musical vets and wannabes alike. Drunkenness is the great and terrible equalizer—I mean really terrible. I can't think of many people I know that sing well when they're sloshed and, even if they do, they're usually singing too loud.
With that being said, here's a bonus "Do" for you—bring earplugs, buddy. Then sing your heart out and make your friends, family and significant others wonder what they signed up for when they got to know you.
3. DO Get Super Smashed By Your Bros
Drinking parameters for this one are tough—should the winner drink the least? If they stay mostly sober should they keep winning? Well, that's up to you.
If you switch to "kills" determining the required amount of shots, your winner will most likely be out like a light in no time. But if you leave things alone and let the winner keep winning, maybe some of the on-screen fisticuffs may cross over to the real world and that may be even more fun than the game.
Get super smashed with your friends and then smash them (with your fists). It's Super Smashed Bros.
4. DO Become A Spaceship Captain
That's right, everyone. When you're really drunk, the best thing to do is push the balls to the wall and fly a spaceship with your equally drunk friends in Spaceteam.
I do not recommend forcing any sober people to be around when you do this. Spaceteam is the playable manifestation of the same slurred shouting that gets people kicked out of bars, shoved into Ubers and sent home straight away. I mean, have you tried playing this game sober? You'll see what I mean.
5. DO Mount Your Friends
Any other day, I would say don't mount your friends, but, today, I'm saying that you should mount your friends—in a really awesome game called Mount Your Friends. Relax, you don't have to stick anything anywhere. You'll just be climbing a mountain of partially nude men to get to the the top of the world!
It's a tricky one but it doesn't require a lot of thought and you might be able to get pretty far despite your condition. The dangly bits in the underwear are a nice touch that become pretty mesmerizing when you're seeing two to begin with.
6. DON'T Reload... Or Do. Up To You!
#Left4Dead is one of the best team games out there, that's for sure. What you may not know is that it also makes for a great experience once you get tipsy. Your aim gets sharper and your ability to strategize goes through the roof—that signature whiskey cocktail is actually a recipe for success!
Why then should you not reload? Because if you do, you'll have to drink. If you heal, you'll have to drink and if you die, get choked or get pummeled by the tank—you guessed it—you'll have to drink. So spare your liver and don't do any of that. Just stay away all together. Or don't. Like I said... it's up to you!
7. DON'T Forget How Many Shamwows It Takes To Clean Up The Blood Of Someone Killed With A SlapChop
You Don't Know Jack is the inebriated equivalent of regular trivia which makes it perfect for our purposes here but it's really important that you bring your A-Game. This is your chance to show everyone that your Liberal Studies degree was the best thing that ever happened to you (it is).
In case you really want to know how many Shamwows you'll need for the SlapChop murder, you'll want to know how much blood the human body contains and then do the math based on a Shamwow's holding capacity. That's how You Don't Know Jack works and that's why you'll want to play it when you're drunk.
8. DON'T Get KO'ed By A Blue Shell
Fortunately, it's not too difficult to stay out of first place when you're drunk af. Enjoying eighth place while Mario Kart slowly becomes "Kario Mart" can be quite fun. Believe me—I spend a lot of time there when I'm sober as well!
9. DON'T Lose Your Balls
If you're as bad at soccer video games as I am, you'll want to steer clear of FIFA 17 when the stakes are high. Things can get pretty hairy if you don't know how to keep your eye on the ball.
If the ball goes out of bounds, take a shot! Offsides? Shot! Penalty? Shot! You get a drink, she gets a drink, he gets a drink—we all get drinks when you play a FIFA game while you're drunk.
10. DON'T Play Dark Souls
I mean you can play #DarkSouls if you want to, but you probably won't win and not winning is bad news for drunk you!
What's the rub? Take one shot every time you die. When you finally beat a boss—take two. You know... to celebrate! You're welcome. Or, sorry in advance? After all, we know how a proper Souls game tends to go down. I'll go ahead and call the paramedics now.
Have you thought of the perfect drink to use for your shots yet?