While I don't doubt that people have the endless capacity to uncover stupid ways to kill themselves, I feel like some of the methods we're more familiar with as gamers can really only happen in a virtual space. I'm sure I'll be proven wrong with some of these over the course of my life—I may even debunk one of them myself!—but for now, I'm confident in asserting that...
These Things Can Only Kill You In Video Games
We love killing in games, but we die just as often as we slay. Try and think of your favorite #videogames and what most frequently kills you in them. Do you fall off stuff a lot? Prone to being stabbed are ya? Maybe you just neglect to feed yourself! Regardless of the kind of games you play, I'm sure these things have happened to you in one of them! Here's hoping they never transcend the polygonal world, friends.
Now, I know what you're going to say—"But Ken, water can kill you in real life, too!"—and to that I say... sh*t you're right...
HOWEVER, I ask you to show me one human who instantaneously perished upon breaking the surface of a lake/river/puddle. Cause gaming's got tons of these people. Like good old John Marston here!
The man could take out the entirety of the west, survive a zombie apocalypse and still be around long enough to form a bond with his son. But have the intrepid hero slip into a river and he's gone forever. He's like the aliens in Signs, only a lot less nightmare-inducing.
Touching Someone's Back
I've touched someone's back on the odd occasion (sexy, I know) and I'm still around, typing away. Now I'm sure I could touch the wrong person's back and the swift punch that'd follow said back touch would deliver me to the Almighty before I hit the ground. But I guarantee that no one has seen the light from doing this:
Oh you touched that person on their side? You accidentally brushed off of that lad's back? Looks like it's all over, human. Why you chose to walk on the streets of a busy city is beyond us! You were clearly asking for this unceremonious end.
Doing Nothing For, Like 2 Minutes
Ever just stood around waiting for someone to show up with nothing to do? You've got no phone, there's no entertainment in the vicinity, so you just kinda stand there? I'm sure we all have. Imagine if that killed you.
You just stood around for a few minutes and then, without any input from yourself, just said "I'm outta here" then died on the spot while ominous laughter filled your ears. This is such a great little easter egg in Sonic CD, but I'm sure that no one's gonna die from simply waiting for 2-3 minutes. Otherwise dental offices would be even more depressing places to visit than they already are—"PLEASE TELL ME THE DENTIST IS READY!"
Oh... no, wait. Never mind.
The Scream Of A Baby Elephant
You can definitely be killed by an elephant. You seen the size of those things? Standing in the way of a charging Dumbo is a sure-fired way to end it all. But I highly doubt that the trumpet of one of these beautiful creatures is going to end any of us anytime soon, a la Mortal Kombat 3:
Trying To See Someone Naked
We've all seen people naked, right? Not counting ourselves I'm sure some of us have been lucky (or seriously unlucky) enough to catch someone the way nature intended. That was the desire for a lot of people when Tomb Raider II came out, 'cause, you know, the developers gave Lara ridiculous video game boobs and humans are just endlessly horny. There was rumor of a cheat that would allow you to see the explorer in all her pixelated glory, so a lot of people tried it out:
In order to counteract the rumor, the developers made her explode upon entering said cheat code. Nice. But I highly doubt that any person out there is going to explode simply because some horny teens wanted to check them out. There'd be no one left!
Taking Too Long To Figure Out How Life Works
There are tons of games that simply kill you for having taken too long to figure out their systems. There's even a boss in Shenmue that'll kill you and end the game if you take too long to figure things out. There are tons of time trials too, puzzles that forever block your progress, and so on. But life's not like that, right? We're not punished for being unable to come to grips with its intricacies, anxieties and complexities over the course of our lives are we? Oh god...
Well, life, you may best me in the end, but I'm making a demand. This must play when it all goes down:
I'd be happy with that.
Can you think of any other deaths that can only happen in video games? These Lara Croft deaths can definitely happen to us, I just hope they don't: