Ah, the magic of modern technology. As digital modeling techniques become more sophisticated and videogame avatars become customisable to the fine details, many of us, raging egomaniacs that we are, eagerly attempt to recreate our own gorgeous mugs in-game. Face-scan technology seems like the perfect tool to indulge our power fantasy, liberating our visage from its lumpen flesh prison and grafting it on to the smooth, heroic physique of a game protagonist. However, due to the imperfections of the tech, your ego trip can end up on the Lovecraft Express Train straight into the Uncanny Valley.
NBA2k17's face scanning app is just out, and this particular series is famous for its, uh, somewhat liberal interpretation of the human form. As the next generation of players from the 7th dimension emerge, let's remember some of the most impressive face scan fails so far.
Straight outta Pan's Labyrinth
An enlarged cranium and an extra pair of ghost eyes fails to alleviate the emotional pain of male pattern baldness for this morose mutant. The less said about what's going on under the nose, the better.
Why the Long Face?
Paris Hilton made her lazy eye work for her look somehow, but when paired with definitely unhealthy-looking skin coloration and teeth coming out on the wrong side of the lips, this athlete should stay off the catwalk and stick to the court.
Wait a Minute...
...I know this guy. Ran into him at around 3am at a techno party a few weeks ago. I didn't know he played basketball. Top man, once you get used to the wandering eyes.
The Thing that Should Not B-Ball
“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of the infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”
― H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories
I Contain Multitudes
Some people have a face with a lot of character. Some people have faces with too much.
Star Player for the Roswell Renegades
I just can't hate this guy. Sure, he looks like the love child of Skeletor and E.T., but those big googly eyes give him a baby face I just can't resist. I'm rooting for you, Vlorbax.
Shagrat of the Mordor Manglers
The mightiest servants of Sauron were consumed in fire...Orcs perished like straw before flames. Though some survived, they never again rose in great numbers, but dwindled and became a minor Goblin folk possessed of but a rumour of their ancient evil - David Day, Tolkien Illustrated Encyclopedia
Off the court, Shagrat is the spokesperson for Mount Doom barbecue sauce, perfect for roast manflesh.
7 Minutes in Heaven
More like 7th Circle of Hell. He was the high school skid that nobody invited to Spin the Bottle.
U Wot Mate?
Spill this guy's pint and he'll just straight up eat you, damning the ghost of your features to the Beard of Souls.
AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
After the weeping stopped, I realised that I'd sampled too much from this cornucopia of distended simulacra for one day and I need to check myself in to a nice relaxing rest at Arkham. But there are gentle readers that would brave the horrors that I, a simple videogames writer of already fragile sanity, could not.