God of War is headed to the PlayStation 4 next year, and we're obsessed with Dad Kratos. So much so, we're calling the game "Dad of War."
Kratos makes a great father figure, in part because of his killer beard. Kotaku's Heather Alexandra was so obsessed with Kratos' dad look that she sat down with God of War's game director, Cory Barlog, and interviewed him about all the intricacies involved to create Kratos' incredibly realistic facial hair. Here's the initial idea behind it:
"We were were working with a concept artist, Jose Cabrera and he did the first images of Kratos that became the guiding light for us and our vision of the character. I said 'I think he’s really grown his beard out like a linebacker in the offseason.' And he ended up looking very worn, like Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven."
Kratos is basically a mixture of a linebacker and a buff dad now. We're digging it. Barlog says it smells musky, "maybe like a head cheese," because it reeks of "pine and dead troll." Ah, just like our dads' beards, too.
Now that Kratos has a proper beard to match his better-than-expected dad bod, we're eager to see if he makes any dad jokes during his adventure with his son Atreus. There's a few in mind that we'd like to pitch to Barlog in case he wants to hit us up. Here's some of our ideas.
"What's Kraken, Son?"
If you remember the Kraken from God of War II, then this joke is an obvious one to include. If another Kraken appears in God of War, Kratos should turn to the Kraken, beat the sea creature to a pulp, and then crack a joke with his son as he rips the Kraken's tentacles off. Here's how we imagine it going down:
"Hey son," Kratos motions to the dead Kraken's tentacles. "What's kraken?"
"Uhh, not much, how about you dad?"
Now that would be perfect. Bring it on, Sony.
"Wow, That Was A Hairy Situation"
There's sure to be a lot of drama and chaos in God of War. After all, this is a series where the protagonist literally died multiple times just so he could kill the gods on Mt. Olympus. As Kratos shepherds Atreus through all sorts of dangerous and difficult situations, the father-son team is bound to find all sorts of ferocious, furry creatures that need to be beaten back to protect his son.
So the next time Kratos does battle with a fur-coated monster, he should pull out his axe and whip out this pun:
"Well son, we've gotten ourselves into a hairy situation, haven't we?"
Even better if Kratos' son proceeds to roll his eyes at his dad's sense of humor.
"You're Walking On Thin Ice, Kid"
The next God of War takes players to the lands of the Norse gods, which are snowy and cold. This means there will be plenty of wintery weather for Arteus and Kratos to traverse, doubly so while sneaking up enemies during their hunts. And if Kratos and Arteus have to cross a frozen river during their journeys, we know exactly what Kratos should say.
Kratos should turn to Arteus, rib his shoulder, and tell him:
"Hey boy, we're walking on thin ice here!"
Then Kratos could let out a belly laugh as Arteus sighs.
"It's Just Like Playing Hydra And Go Seek"
Arteus seemingly learned how to hunt thanks to his mother, and Kratos is teaching his son how to fine-tune his skills to become a master. That means Kratos will teach Arteus how to hunt animals, kill them, and keep your emotions in check during a fight.
Hunting often requires a lot of stealth and patience. The element of surprise can make or break the hunt. So, hailing back to Kratos' Spartan legacy, we have the perfect joke for Dad Kratos to make:
"Arteus, we have to be quiet. So remember your father's favorite hunting game: Hydra and Go Seek."
We assure you that Kratos would enjoy this joke very much at his son's expense.
And These Ones Didn't Make The Cut
And, hey, don't think we didn't put some serious thought into terrible dad jokes.
- "Son, you're so scruffy! We'll need to make you a Hera 'pointment."
- "Ok, we'll need to make a shelter. Help me get some rocks and con-Crete."
- "Did I ever tell you about the Trojan horse? That was a night-mare."
- "Are you Hades? You look like death! Go clean up."
Dad Kratos looks cool. What dad jokes should he make in the upcoming God of War?