Every gamer knows that a good, dependable controller is needed if you want to be somewhat serious about video games. The controller is your sole, trusted companion in the digital adventures you embark on, and the tool with which you defeat hordes of brain-hungry zombies, solve complex puzzles in ancient temples and fly your spacecraft through an asteroid field near Saturn.
In other words, you need a controller if you want to play console #videogames. Fortunately, these wonderful things come in all shapes, sizes and colors depending on the platform, and most of them — no matter how Made in China they are — will last at least a couple of... weeks?
A Controller For Every Gamer's Demands
You can get controllers that are wireless while others are painted in cool (read: not cool) military camo patterns or rumble without end. You can even get controllers with integrated microphones or others that look very, very different from the generic, company-made controllers we're used to. There's also this guy, who makes a living out of turning anything from bananas to microwave ovens into functional controllers.
All this is crazy enough, but we've still not seen anything quite like the controller we're about to introduce you to: The controller that prevents spawn camping, a deed so terrible that anyone committing it should stand trial in International Court of Law for crimes against humanity. Say hello, friends, to this Xbox One controller:
Finally An Effective Way Of Battling Griefers
The company Power A might have created the most powerful and balance-disruptive controller in the history of video games. Not only does this piece of next-level hard plastic have "Nano-Sized Ergonomics" (which we think is another word for "Maximum Marketing Power") it also prevents anyone from camping your spawn point.
Which is great in basically any first-person shooter. Or even MMOs, where players of an opposing factions have a tendency to spend their Sunday afternoons camping the dead bodies of low-level scrubs. Do these people really not have anything better to do?
This stuff won't happen with the Xbox One Mini Series Wired Controller from Power A though. No, the thing supposedly combats spawn camping. At least that's what it says on the package.
Using This Might Be A Bannable Offense
So how does this controller work? Well, we're not quite sure. But it has to, or else someone should consider suing Power A for false advertising. Like right now. Let's consider the two possible explanations to the no spawn camping feature:
1. They Needed Another Graphic On The Package: Came Up With Lame Joke
This is definitely the most likely explanation, but also the most boring one. Still, it seems very much in tune with a street-wise, gaming accessory company like Power A to put a little joke on their packaging. It is 2017 after all, and companies are pulling sh*t like this all the time to connect with their customers.
Anyone with a bit of graphic design knowledge would know that having just five icons on the side of the box would look stupid. So instead of cutting down on an icon, Power A came up with this piece of cheeky marketing, underlining how much the company is in touch with gaming communities — we're just gamers ourselves, man — and creating a slick look for the packaging.
- Conclusion: We feel robbed. Might consider suing.
2. It Actually Works, Get This Controller Right Now
We don't know how, we don't know why, but with the grace of all that's holy in the unholy world of video games, this controller stops spawn camping. Every time someone finds a tall building in Battlefield 1, pulls out their enormous sniper rifle and puts the crosshair near the vicinity of a spawn point they simply... blow up! Or perhaps their computer crashes? One of those two options.
The same in World of Warcraft. If anyone's standing on top of your dead orc bones after they've killed you, the controller punishes them by teleporting them straight into the Maelstrom. Easy as that.
With this, Power A has either proven that a) magic exists or b) od is real. Pretty big news. But still:
- Conclusion: Don't tell anyone that this actually works. We'll all get banned.
Are you getting this controller?