ByMarlon McDonald, writer at
Umm... are you going to drink that Skooma?
Marlon McDonald

Did you guess correctly? Cause I'm still sitting at my desk, eyes staring through the monitor wondering, "How?" How would it be possible to turn a game about blocks getting ass-whoopings from gravity into a sci-fi thriller trilogy? They tried that trilogy nonsense with The Hobbit, and look how well that turned out (not very, IMHO).

But anyway, news.

A little while back, we reported on an unfortunate pairing of rich people and cinematic pulling power coming together to throw $80 million at a movie based on Alexey Pajitnov's seminal puzzler. Why? Who knows. But it's happening — for better or for worse.

This. This is becoming a movie. Wait, no, three movies, actually.

Even more recently, Empire Online hooked up with Larry Kasanoff, the features' producer, to pick his brain about how the idea of a cinematic trilogy of Tetris movies came to be:

"...purely because the story we conceived is so big. This isn’t us splitting the last one of our eight movies in two to wring blood out of the stone. It’s just a big story."

To wring blood out of the stone.

What they're expecting.
What they're expecting.

According to Empire, Kasanoff's plans are not to have human-like blocks with eyes and emotions running around on screen trying to work together and whatnot or to end some faceless cataclysm on Planet Tetris. No, there won't be any of that:

"We’re not going to have blocks with feet running around the movie, but it’s great that people think so. It sets the bar rather low!”

Don't worry about that, dude. There is no bar.

The movie is set to be a partnership between China and the U.S., as Kasanoff and Chinese media mogul Bruno Wu are set to oversee proceedings with production company Threshold Global Studios. The movie, set to be filmed in China, has yet to be given a name, a cast, a director, or a script.

...But the story is massive, so they have that going for them.

But what of the story? Normally, this would be the time for me to wax sarcastically about what the Tetris trilogy's narrative may have in store for us. But I can't. This is ridiculous news and somehow worse than the idea of a movie about talking emojis.

Haha, just kidding. Without further ado, here's...

'Attack The Block 2 — The Tetrisining'

Shortly after the events of the first movie, the aliens return to Oval in London — but this time, with a bigger force behind them. John Boyega's hero, Moses, has been captured, brainwashed, and transformed into an anthropomorphic Tetris block. He is to be subjected to terrible sport for the aliens' pleasure.

Somewhere down the line, Moses recovers his sense of self and realizes that all of the other blocks are strong-willed humans kidnapped from Earth. He then sets out on a journey to save all of his fellow blocks from captivity, find a way of destroying the aliens and their capital ship, and return to London — all in one piece.

Jokes aside, this feels to me like a bunch of suits sat around in a plush office contemplating a map of the world and wondering, "What can we get these assholes to pay for next?"

I guess the virality of the whole concept will get coins falling into place in the wallets of Kasanoff and Wu in no time.

What do you think?

Tetris movie — solid as a block or a bit of a brick shithouse?

(Source: Empire Online)


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